The financial aspect of any relationship can be a challenge. And, like so many other relationship issues, one of the best ways to deal with finances is to engage in good communication about the situation. “According to a 2012 study, you are more likely to stay together if you budget together,” says JJ Montanaro, a Certified Financial Planning with USAA.
“Budgeting is that foundational action that is important for anyone who wants financial success,” Montanaro points out. “Unfortunately, most couples don’t talk about budgeting unless they are in crisis mode. You can’t have a calm, productive discussion about money when you are in the middle of some financial emergency.”
Plan Your Budget as a Couple
“Don’t talk money when you realize that you have more month than money,” says Montanaro. “Instead, plan a specific time to talk about budgeting ahead of time. Put it on the calendar, at an agreed time, so that no one is ambushed or feeling threatened.”
Too often, couples just start spending money. They figure if the bills are paid everything is fine. There is no real discussion about financial goals, and what needs to be done to reach those goals. Montanaro says that this is when things get ugly in a relationship. “Having money discussions is important if you don’t want to find your finances always in crisis mode. This is when arguments start and marriages start to fall apart.”
If you aren’t sure where to start with your talk about budgeting, Montanaro suggests that you start by talking about what’s important to you. While you do need to consider your income and your expenses, each person needs to feel as though he or she has input, and that his or her priorities are addressed.
Lesli Doares, a licensed marriage and family therapist, agrees. “Reaching agreement about money means that each partner must understand what money means to them,” she says. “It is never about the dollars and cents, but what money allows them to do, and what it means, whether it’s security, opportunity, or status.”
Once you have the numbers out of the way, talk about what you want your money to accomplish, and listen to your partner talk about his or her own hopes for the money. If you need to, says Montanaro, it doesn’t hurt to consult with a financial planning expert to provide direction. Sometimes, a third person can help you figure out where to start, and offer advice on how to turn your joint dreams into reality.
Tips for Avoiding Argument During Budget Discussions
Unfortunately, even if you plan your budget meeting ahead of time (Montanaro suggests that you set up regular meetings each month or each quarter), there is the potential that you will still disagree. Even if you do disagree about the money, it’s important to keep your budget discussion from devolving into an argument that can damage your long-term relationship.
The first step, says Sharon O’Neill, another licensed marriage and family therapist, is understanding. “At the heart of money issues are often some deep-seated beliefs and values about spending and saving, often predicated on what was learned in your family of origin,” she says. If you want to avoid fighting about money, you need to try to explain your own priorities and financial values, and then make an effort to learn about your partner’s.
O’Neill recommends that you set boundaries related to your finances, from saving to spending, and how you pay your bills. A good place to start, though, is with your shared goals. Rather than focusing on your differences, think about what you both agree you want to accomplish with your money. Once you have each explained your financial philosophy, you can look for common ground.
“Sometimes this means tough conversations about just how many clothes the kids need, or what type of vacation you can take, or how much you spend on gifts for the extended family,” O’Neill points out. But if you can start from a place of common ground and shared goals, it’s easier to avoid outright arguments.
Montanaro says that it can also help to include “fun money” for each partner. This is money that can be saved or spent, depending on preference. He also points out that it’s important for each partner to be involved in money discussions and in taking care of the finances. “You can delegate responsibilities, such as investing or shopping,” he says, “but you both need to know what’s happening, even if you aren’t both directly involved with every aspect. Delegation is not abdication.”
Ultimately, though, the keys to a good financial discussion are calm speech, a scheduled time when you are both likely to be in a good mood, and an effort not to use language that accuses the other. It’s difficult to learn to speak using language that doesn’t place blame on the other party, since no one likes to admit fault. However, it’s important to leave those issues out of it. And, if you can have regular budget planning meetings, it’s usually easier to avoid unpleasant surprises and recriminations. Get on the same page early on, and your financial discussions will be less likely to involve negative emotional outbursts.
Sometimes, if things are getting a little heated, it’s time to step back. Take a break, or bring in a mediator to help keep the peace. “If you cannot get a handle on your emotions around this very personal issue,” says Doares, “the two of you will never be able to avoid arguments on this topic.”
The post Want to Stay Together? Budget Together! appeared first on Quizzle Wire.